from: anonymous
How to sing the Blues
. . . A Primer
1) Most Blues begin,
"Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good
woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something
nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3) The Blues is simple.
After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not
about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way
out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys,
Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't
sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man
in Memphis.
7) Blues can take
place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard
times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8) A man with male
pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness
is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have
no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside
to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for
the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey
glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; b) Gallery openings;
c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe
it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic
person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the
right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind;
c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You
have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The
man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a
matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing
the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on
the blues.
14) If you ask for
water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable
Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier;
b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs
in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in
the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't
have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names
for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names
for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names
like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter
how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own
Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jake leg Lemon Johnson
or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how
tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.